who cares
«prev. @ Saturday, January 28, 2012
days
until Jersey!
Phew. Oh man. Let me tell you. So many moments in my life do I wish that I could just turn off the faucet of emotion I have inside. Because it's not easy. I mean, do you ever wonder why you're unhappy when it doesn't seem that there's a reason?

I don't feel like blogging. I'm doing it for one reason: procrastination. I mean, isn't that all it ever is? I'm also blogging because I'm hoping that shutting off the TV and avoiding the web pages will make it an easier transition to work on my book. I've had two days off and I've spent both doing anything but writing. It's not 8:33pm, I have work tomorrow, and I'm now starting to write? Peh. Fail. Gonna, but…fail nevertheless.

Lori has been on some kind of power trip lately, I feel, and it empowers her to "not need" to contact her friends. So she's been ignoring me, doesn't even ask how I am. It hurts a little, but not as much as I thought because Lori is a good friend, but I haven't considered her a close friend for a long time. Too mean. Too narcissistic. Too hard to talk to.

I surprise myself by still thinking of Adam. The moments I have where I wish I could talk to him.

I saw my therapist the other day. We talked about someone I wish we would have spent more time on.

Then I sent Gina this text:
"Last night, I had a few drinks with friends and I thought about Cody. I wake up today and think about him. I think the reason he still gives me anxiety is because all I am doing is telling myself I'm over him when I'm not. I don't know why, but I'm not. So I'm going to stop lying to myself and telling myself this book is closed and instead, just let him filter through my system. After all, like you said, it's neither right or wrong to want him."

And Gina said:
"Maybe you do need to do that. Only you know if you still like him. Maybe you have to grieve not having him. It's hard when you like someone who is all wrong for you."

No shit. It sure is. I'm sure when this is all over, because clearly it's not, I'll be able to make sense of what it is about Cody that captivates me. I don't think it's him. I think it's what he represents.

Someone to make you feel good.
Someone to talk to, that's a guy who is not just a friend.
Someone to see you as a girlfriend, not just a friend.
Someone to fill the vacant spot in your heart, waiting for someone.

Time heals nothing. But time does help you forget. So I just need to keep on keeping on. Soon, I'll forget. It's hard because I work with him though. Ugh. Ugh!

Well, I'm going to cut this blog short. Because now that I'm faced with writing--I called Jonathan and asked if he wants to go to the bar.

Because that's what Tiffany does. She runs away.
Run run run, as fast as you can. You'll still catch me.

Running to escape in the sweet ecstacy of ignorance in a chilled glass.

I should be writing. I will write. But not tonight. Tonight, I'm going to drink. I'm going to run.

So fuck it.